This series needs a G.One

In the past two days, the few BMW-toting brats of Chandigarh who've phoned their contact persons at the Punjab Cricket Association trying their luck for passes to today’s India-England match have been surprised. Instead of the otherwise ‘Mushkil hai puttar’ responses, they have been asked what chutneys they'd prefer in their Tandoori lunch packs apart from landing invites for themselves and their cousins.Reportedly, the astute President of the PCA Mr IS Bindra is taking all measures to ensure there are no cavities in his pretty stadium, like the ones in this series' earlier matches at Hyderabad and Delhi. But with the local Singhs Harbhajan and Yuvraj missing, we fear he'd have to offer more than chicken limbs to succeed in his mission.India are playing their eighth one-day international against England in less than as many weeks, and the dwindling novelty of these encounters is only reminding us of the '09-10 seasons during which so many India-Sri Lanka matches were played that players had begun buying second homes in the towns they were touring to.This time, the BCCI has slotted the ongoing series in towns so populated (Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkata) that even if 0.03 per cent of their migrant workers decide to make it to the stadium, it looks as full as an Akram yorker. But evidently, the plan hasn't worked too well.[caption id="attachment_112912" align="alignleft" width="380" caption="Vinay Kumar gets Alstair Cook in today's match. Getty Images."][/caption]First of all, the pre-Diwali season means that electronic stores showing cricket on their LED TVs will have less people standing outside watching the game and more inside discussing high-definition. Besides, the Umesh Yadavs and Ajinkya Rahanes on screen are hardly going to make anyone look twice. It is also a season when the husbands are more concerned about EMI interest rates over Kohli's strike rate and for the children too, more games of India-England only seem like more helpings of ras-malai being shoved down their throats after they've already had a bowl-full.Then there is competition from cricket's on-off live-in partner — Bollywood. With a dozen new films (albeit most of them below-par) releasing this month, those looking for weekend entertainment are walking into multiplexes rather than inviting Ravi Shastri into their drawing rooms. And though Virat Kohli always tries his best to emulate the teeny idiocy displayed by characters of Mujhse Fraaandship Karoge, he loses out to the real deal.The biggest attention stealer during this series has been Shah Rukh Khan, currently ensuring that in the build-up to his magnum opus film Ra.One, everyone in India talks, sneezes, potties and reeks of the film. Though having tied up with nearly all retail products (except a few tampon brands) and as many TV shows to promote the film, he has largely spared this series.But we feel it will only be in the interest of the tournament that he makes special appearances mid-match as G.One, the superhero he plays. Perhaps stretch Parthiv Patel to become taller than Pieterson or help Praveen Kumar complete a sentence in English while talking to commentators.And wait, after creating a controversy by bunking a test in 2009 to attend his sister's wedding, Gautam Gambhir is now twice shy to ask the Board to attend his own marriage on October 29th and thereby skipping the day's T20 match. Clearly, G.One can be of use here, if the Board forces Gauti to play and he has to be carried into his own marriage mandap, a la SRK carrying Kareena on Ra.One's poster. It could be the most innovative film promotion ever, and could even find some utility in Kolkata Knight Riders’ next IPL campaign.Lastly, two unexpected players are giving this so-touted 'payback' series a fight for eyeballs — a grand prix and a Metallica concert. With Indians having been virgins to hearing the roar of an F1 car or the strum of Kirk Hammett's guitar, they're likely to yawn at the 'jeetega bhai jeetega' chant. After all, there are money constraints too, for having already sold a kidney or two to buy cricket World Cup tickets earlier this year, many fans are considering to part with a limb to buy a Grand Stand view of Formula 1 or VIP passes to the metal band's Gurgaon/Bangalore concerts.The next out-of-context fest features West Indies arriving next month (ie the wedding and vacation season), and the series includes three tests as well. Keep your Plan Bs and yawns ready.Editor's note: The above writer, who we feel is the biggest hypocrite on our panel, is watching the next match from Wankhede Stadium, Mumbai on Sunday; but apparently 'only to give you all a yawn-by-yawn account of proceedings'.