A single girl's guide to Delhi men: the top five types of Mr Wrong

The downside of being single and over thirty in Delhi is that friends and family and even strangers are continually astonished at your unhitched status in such a 'happening' city. Clearly I don't behave like a deviant or look like a leprechaun, so what's the problem? The problem is that a Delhi girl may indeed be spoilt for choice, it's just that the choices are not exactly good. So who are the men most of us singletons end up meeting in Delhi — the men who are keeping, at least me, resolutely single.The Stepford Man: Now this is the breed which all mothers love and can never understand why their daughters don't. These are the chaps with that much-desired IIM MBA and a job with McKinsey or BCG. A deadly combination which basically translates into men with high IQs and almost negligible EQs. When you're naïve and young — like I once was — these Stepford boys are indeed quite attractive the first time you meet them. Suave, well-spoken, chivalrous, with perfect table manners, and always dressed for the occasion. A Sunday brunch at Olive? They'll be togged out in their Todds loafers, white Tommy Hilfiger bermudas, a Paul Smith short sleeved, checked buttoned shirt with just the top three buttons undone. Very charming until you look around and realise every other McKinsey-BCG boy is wearing the exact same thing.[caption id="attachment_76427" align="alignleft" width="380" caption="The problem is that a Delhi girl may indeed be spoilt for choice, it's just that the choices are not exactly good. AFP Photo"][/caption]The Stepford Man also tends to deal with his relationships as he handles his clients. It's as if they've worked out the various graphs and excel sheets in their mind. As a result, no other type of man is as consistent. You know that every Tuesday you'll get a surprise visit at work; Wednesday, you'll meet up for coffee; Friday means dinner either at Olive or at Thai High; and Sunday will be brunch followed by a film. He will call you at 9 am to ask about your morning, and make follow-up calls every 4 hours on the dot. And if you're upset about anything, expect a standard delivery chocolates and flowers.These are the text-book boys and nothing upsets them more than spontaneity. So the easiest way to get rid of them is to keep scuppering their well-laid out plans. If Sunday is always brunch at Olive or ai, merely suggest heading to Pandara Road instead. Then just sit back and watch them short-circuit like Christopher Walken in Stepford Wives.The blast from the past: The most persistent suitors are always your ex-loves. Tired of their wives after a few years of marriage, they're looking to rekindle the passion — and who better than the single ex-girlfriend to reignite the flame. It all starts off quite innocently: here an sms, there a phone call, a little chat about the good times, another little chat about what a big mistake it was to marry the current wife, followed up by a request to meet for coffee. It's almost like they have a "How to have an Affair" flowchart that they're following to the tee. Now, we all want to play Katherine Hepburn to our very own Spencer Tracy, and the known devil is better than the unknown one. But then you remember that today's love-lorn Lothario used to be yesterday's heart-breaker.Meet the MBA (Married But Available): The other day, I met someone who asked me if I was married, and when I said, "No," he then asked: "Not at all?." And that's the perfect way to describe the MBA, the ‘slightly married’ but always available man. And they seem to be everywhere: the gym, work, a book reading, in the client's office, at parties. And they're not restricted to any one profession. MBAs can be actors, businessmen, authors, creative directors, or musicians.They are also the most confident of the lot. They've been there, done that, and have nothing to lose. Even if you reject them, it matters not. Because they can just go back to the warm comfort of their wife's arms. Mrs MBA — when they choose to acknowledge her existence — is invariably cast as either a harridan or the childhood sweetheart who they're tied to for the sake of the children. That the poor wife is least aware of the sorrows of her seemingly happy husband as soon as he steps out of the house, is a different matter.The perfect example of the MBA is a guy I met a while back. He was most charming and lovely company, and was eager to show me photos of his pet dog. Almost every other picture also included a woman cuddling the dog, who he described in passing as his relative. A "relative" who turned out to be his wife. The half-truth is after all, not a lie. A friend even met a chap who claimed to be a widower, only to run into him later with his very alive-and-kicking wife in tow.Continues on the next pageThe oh-so-attractive, angst-ridden soul: These are the men who we all make the mistake of loving at least once in our lives. The 30-something, single, angst-ridden, much wronged-against souls. They are dissatisfied with everything — their jobs, ex-girlfriends, unsympathetic families, friends, house. They are highly intelligent, brilliant conversationalists and are often the soul of every party. But the moment the crowds vanish, they become Raj Kapoor in Mera Naam Joker, all whiny and sad. A brilliant move since most women can't resist the temptation to be the one to save the fallen and depressed soul.But soon enough, you realise that there's a good reason why they're single. They're so happy wallowing in their misery that they drag you down with them instead. And by the time you're through with them, you're the one who feels like slitting your wrists.The Punjab da Puttar: And then there's the ultimate Delhi boy. Single and ready to mingle. Warm, friendly and dressed to the nines. Most often working in "daddy's business" with an MBA from foreign shores — usually Colgate University or some such. He plays golf, owns a house in Maharani Bagh, drives a Mercedes Coupe, and only holidays abroad.All very nice, except having a conversation with him is like talking to a brick wall. The PDP's limited topics of conversation include: Mummy's satsang; upgrading from last year's Beamer to the latest Lamborghini; and every once in a while, Chetan Bhagat's latest book. They also make it a point to order the most expensive Single Malt on the menu, except they insist on asking, "Whiskey on the rocks, with some ice please". Which is quite endearing in its own way, but not when you're the one dating the man.And since I'm never going to be asked out on a date after this article, I've now resigned myself to life as Aunty Rose from Zubeidaa. And just in case you didn't see the film, the character was played by Lilette Dubey who starts off as a lovely, young woman full of joie-de-vivre (and yes, just a wee bit like me), but ends up single and all alone at the age of sixty in an old age home with her photo albums and and a pet cat for company. A sad state, perhaps, but a whole lot better than enduring life as Mrs MBA.Rajyasree Sen is a restaurateur, TV connoisseur and unsolicited opinion-giver. You can read about her adventures with food and life in Delhi on her blog or follow her at @rajyasree.