Jaded and zapped 'match ka mujrim' pours it out

Dear folks,Pranaams from vilayat.I know you’ll be shocked to see this letter, knowing that I haven’t even got time to dye my hair in the past year, but we finished our game a day early and hence the bonus. (Na mumma, jeetey nahi, haar gaye).In fact, I’m writing this only to connect with you folks at this difficult time. And in case Babuji has been watching those ‘Match ka mujrim’ shows showing my first-ball dismissal hazaar dafe, I should tell you how it feels.First of all, I have never felt so tired my entire life. Mental and physical fatigue has taken over so much, I’ve asked our new boy Abhinav Mukund to write this letter as I speak.After 16 Tests in six series, 20 ODIs, including the World Cup, and IPL – all since last July, I’m getting those ‘sathiya gaye’ symptoms that dadaji gets these days. Matlab, in those zoned-out moments I imagine a blur of Ranchi University ground with the Lord's balcony and some cheerleaders with Shashank Manohar uncle too standing somewhere. This usually happens while wicket-keeping and I am often jolted back by a late-swinging Sreesanth delivery. Even at the presentation yesterday I blurted out to Naseer bhaiya that this feels like an extension of the West Indies series.You might have heard about the Ian Bell run-out controversy but you don’t know what actually happened. Actually, even I don’t know. After Bell was given out ‘against the spirit’ before chai-time, their captain and coach visited our dressing room and smartly approached Dadaji (hamare nahi, yahan ke, Sachin) while I was dozing on the floor. I even missed a call from Shashank uncle who later said we should’ve recalled Bell on the condition of England visiting India next summer for a two-ODI series.Toh, Sachin dadu must have said ‘okay’ and I only realised this when the crowd gave me a standing ovation at the next session. Thode boys are chuckling saying he did it to get a better chance to score his 100th century in the last innings. Anyway, Babuji, please don’t mistake this whole ‘spirit’ episode for anything else. Aapka Mahi vilayat ja ke koi ‘spirit’ nahi le raha.Sakshi, I must admit we might have a one-year itch in our marriage. This morning, I went to our hotel lobby to pick up newspapers and there I met the most beautiful person I’ve met in a long time. Such was my happiness that I went and gave that person a hug and even helped carry the bags despite my aching shoulders to the room.[caption id="attachment_52743" align="alignleft" width="380" caption="MS Dhoni has a lot to think about ahead of the third Test starting August 10 at Edgbaston. Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images"][/caption]Chee darling, kuch ulta mat socho, well-of-course I’m talking about Viru! No, seriously, aaj pehli baar I found his balding head pretty and have already asked him to open the batting for all remaining games, bowl, attend press conferences and even secretly lead the side on the field. Ladka kaam ka hai. (I’ve taken over to writing this letter now as Abhinav is sobbing).Waise tensions also happened because of ‘slow over rate’. What happened was I was spending much time between overs wondering whom to give the next over to, given that I only had two-and-a-half options after Zaheer’s injury and Bhajji’s pitaii. Bechara Bhajji toh faked a stomach cramp and gave up himself. After my own performance at Lords, I am thinking of joining the MRF Pace academy to hone my skills. Matlab, whenever I get time in 2014.Anyway, because of the referee’s threat to drop me, I asked the umpires this match to let one of my bowlers bowl under-arm once every spell but that didn’t work. But well-of-course the boys ran in the right areas and I think Ishant’s hair-cut aerodynamically improved his run-up speed and the problem is solved for now.Chalo, I now have to go for a special meeting with Sourav dada and Wasim bhai on ‘preparation’. No-no, not for the next Test – woh toh we should be sorted in the next 10 days — but this preparation is about handling the media and angry, effigy-burning fans back home in case we lose the next match and the Number 1 Test ranking spot. Who else but dada and Waz to teach us?Sab ko pyaar.Well-of-course,Aapka Mahi.PS: Sad that this might be my only letter to you this decade but don’t worry, you can re-read it whenever we’re in a sore position overseas. Keep it handy for now, we are touring to Australia this winter.